empty nest...

So I guess I should start at the beginning...back a few steps, a few months, a few heart-wrenching experiences to bring you up to speed.

In November last year my husband & I decided it was time to start a family. We had put it off for a few years for various reasons but the time had finally come & we were both very excited at the prospect of welcoming a little one into our lives! A friend had recently announced her pregnancy, claiming she had only just come off birth control & they were only half-heartedly trying but had still conceived the first go. How hard could it be?

November & December went by with no sign of bub & I thought I should look into this whole ‘conception’ thing a little more seriously as (I am somewhat ashamed to say) all I really knew was I ovulate around the middle of my cycle & that’s the best time to conceive. I visited my Doctor for a full pre-pregnancy blood work-up & everything came back fine.

In January I felt unusually ill for about 4 or 5 days after I ovulated -> cramping, nausea, fatigue. Then my period came 5 days early which is very strange for me. I did some research & suspected a chemical pregnancy (where the egg is fertilised but does not implant). Many people question the ability to have pregnancy symptoms that early on & especially before implantation but the discovery of a hormone called ‘early pregnancy factor’ which is present from the moment of conception as well as numerous personal experiences since have me convinced otherwise.

At the end of March we got our long-awaited second pink line. My husband was studying reproduction at the time & we both knew the statistics but I couldn’t help but be over the moon. My mind wandered for hours on end; imagining our new baby, what he/she might look like, which of the names for each gender we already had picked out would suit, browsing the maternity section at department stores, pushing my belly out as far as it would go & admiring it in the mirror - heck, I even window-shopped for cute material I could turn into things for the nursery! My husband however (& thankfully) is much more stable and grounded than me, observing and listening to all of this with aplomb.

Busting with the news, I ignored my intuition to ‘just wait & see’ & we told my parents later that week with the disclaimer that it was early days yet. Three days later I had bad pains on my lower right side & started spotting. At the ER, an ultrasound revealed an empty uterus & low HCG levels (688) indicated we likely caught them on the way down ie. a suspected miscarriage. At home, I crawled into a ball to find a dark corner in the Panadeine Forte. It just wasn’t meant to be.

Five days later I went to get my blood test results to make sure my levels were returning to normal. Funnily (or not) enough as I was sitting in the waiting room, the pain in my side resurfaced with a vengeance. The Doctor announced the results – 2713! The numbers had quadrupled in 5 days. Not good. ER. Now! Unfortunately, I had only minutes before put my husband on a plane. My family live interstate & even my in-laws are an hour away. I was alone &, by the look on the Doctor’s face & the rapidly escalating abdominal pain, in considerable trouble.

Luckily both our house & the hospital were within 500 metres of the Doctor’s surgery. I dropped the car off at home (somehow managing not to have an accident on the way despite shaking uncontrollably), stopping only to change my underwear (if I was going to die it was going to be in clean knickers) & headed for the hospital.

Half way up the street I felt myself start to bleed, badly (so much for the clean knickers!). I ran-limped teary-eyed the rest of the way, holding my side & seriously contemplating the fact that this could be it – the end - I might never see my husband or my family again. The Doctor’s words rang in my ears: “dangerous”, “bleed to death rapidly”, “blood loss of up to 700ml per second”. Too much knowledge can be a dangerous thing.

2 hours later, in-laws by my side, the gynaecologist, recent ultrasound in hand, informed me that I had an ectopic pregnancy in my right fallopian tube & the theatre was being prepared for emergency surgery.

I had April “off” to recover from the surgery & May brought more disappointment when after a week of very strong pregnancy symptoms my period came way too early again.

In June, the all too familiar symptoms came to visit & we got some very early & very encouraging news – a positive HPT only 10 days after ovulation! I presented my husband with a stack of pregnancy books & said “You gotta read the books!” a la ‘Knocked Up’ (corny I know!). Because of my recent ectopic we had to be hyper-vigilant with subsequent pregnancies, so the blood tests started straight away. First results: HCG = low, Progesterone = low. Not encouraging but everyone kept saying “early days yet”. The tests continued every two days for a week until I noticed a small amount of bleeding so we paid a visit to our gynaecologist. Nothing on the ultrasound, but “early days yet”. More blood, low results, “early days yet”. I got to know the ladies at the pathology collection clinic pretty well – one even shared with me her own experience of an ectopic & the subsequent birth of two beautiful daughters. Another ultrasound, may be some ‘activity’ in the remaining fallopian tube, “early days yet”.

At 6-1/2 weeks after nearly 3 weeks of joy, tears, prayers, hope, worry, rationalisations, serious conversations, hugs, furrowed brows, waiting rooms, phone calls and wondering, we were set adrift again (albeit with my remaining tube intact).

Which brings us to August ie. now. Yet again, the swollen breasts, desert mouth & cramping lift me up & quickly back down again. Chemical pregnancy.